CARE Team

The following are personal accounts of struggles with mental health issues. Please feel free to share your own personal story in the “Leave a Reply” box.

Depression: One Man’s Story
I relate this narrative with the understanding that there may be omissions. These are not intentional, but some memories are lost forever. In the fall of 1995, I began to get very weak and had no energy. Eventually, my weakness was so severe that I could not brush my teeth without resting. When I went to the doctor, tests were run and it was determined that my thyroid gland had quit working. My doctor told me that when the prescribed medicine began to work, my condition would improve. I also informed my doctor about feeling depressed. He assured me that this was common with this thyroid condition and it would probably get better. Physically, I improved, but my mental condition deteriorated. Months went by and many medicines later my condition continued to worsen. Sleeping one to two hours a night, my anxiety rose and I became withdrawn at home. In public, I was able to cover up my sickness. Suicide was like a glass of water to a man thirsting in the desert. It ran through my mind constantly. Were it not for my very loving family, I would not be telling this now. As alluring as suicide seemed, my wife and children meant so much to me. I could not do this to them.
At this point, memories dim and one cannot judge one’s condition because cognitive functions are not working. I would equate it with being in a deep well in darkness; you just cannot rate how dark it is. Likewise, you cannot judge the depth of depression. My wife related to me how hard my depression was on our family. She said that she was worried about suicide. She stated she would not be able to handle finding me dead when she returned home one day. “What would this do to the children?” she asked. I told her I would not do this at home. Obviously, I had a plan. My wife still has vivid recollections of this.
Something in me must have snapped because the next day I called our local health clinic and had them get me admitted to Menninger’s Hospital in Topeka, Kansas. The following day, I drove to Topeka where I was then admitted. I have vague recollections of the next three weeks. My doctors pulled all of my medicines. At first, loneliness was a constant companion. Phone calls from home were hard because of a very fragile emotional state. Through all of this, it occurred to me that I had never seen such a more caring group of people. From the person who took me on walks to the doctors there, everyone seemed intent on my being helped. My thinking skills were horrible and I told my psychiatrist that trying to recall something was like having a seven-course meal in front of you. The catch was that you could only have one bite. The knowledge was there, but it couldn’t be retrieved.
It was finally decided that as a last resort, I would receive shock treatments. I readily agreed. Anything to get better. I was scheduled for a series of eight or ten shock treatments. I recall rising as early as 4 a.m., going to the hospital, then returning to sleep most of the day. In my mind, I saw my wife at my side during that first treatment. It was a great comfort. My insurance ran out the same day as my last treatment. The staff wanted me to stay longer so they could monitor me for two days following the last shock treatment. I told the staff that at $1400 a day, I couldn’t afford to stay. They allowed me to stay the two days free of charge. Finally, six weeks later, I was able to drive myself back home.
Physically, I was a mess, but mentally there was hope. The shock treatments had an effect and I became better. With my family’s support and my doctor’s help, the sun began to peek out from behind the clouds. I never got completely back to my normal, but I am functional and happy. And when people ask, “Are you crazy?” I reply that I have 50 pages of reports that say that very thing.

As in this local man’s story, sometimes symptoms of depression are overwhelming, but other times they can be more subtle and accompanied by a great deal of denial. Common symptoms of depression are feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, along with feelings of sadness, emptiness, and tearfulness. It can be also be manifested as changes in sleep pattern, changes in appetite, low energy and motivation, decreased concentration, anxiety or agitation, and decreased pleasure in activities one has typically enjoyed. In more severe cases, there may be thoughts of dying or recurrent thoughts and plans of suicide.

Depression will affect about 15% of people at some point in their lifetime. It is more common in women, and also in those with a family history of mental illness. Individuals with chronic medical problems and chronic pain are at higher risk to develop depression. Stressful life events may precipitate or perpetuate depression. Other underlying medical problems may masquerade as depression. There are many treatment options and services that are available. There are also resources that can offer financial assistance.